24 is Long Over...and I've Fried Much Bigger Fish.

I wrote my first and only other blog post to date ("My Fear: Life after 24") three and a half years ago, and upon reading it today I find myself laughing. I want to go back in time and shake my younger self, to tell her to stop worrying and to realize how much loveliness she is going to encounter in her life. In case you haven't read it, my first blog post was written when I was 24 and it's about being fearful and uncertain about the future, in all facets of life: career, marriage, embracing societal norms, etc. But the experiences I've had since then have proven quite clearly to me that the future is never certain. You can plan all you like, do your research, pick a new job, find your soul mate...and then next year, realize you had it all wrong and have to start over again. I don't think you ever really reach that one proverbial light at the end of the tunnel; I think we hit many tunnels with many lights, and instead of waiting for things to get better or for a happy ending, I think what's important is knowing that happiness is always a choice, whether we're in the tunnels or in the lights.
Life has taken me down many tunnels since I was 24. Some much longer than I've ever experienced in my life before. I've gained new friends, lost old ones, changed jobs, moved apartments, and experienced an ongoing, debilitating health crisis (this is obviously the most significant event thus far). I'm still not married, and I'm still unsure as to what my dream career is. And yet, I am far more liberated now than I ever was at 24.

So, the future is never certain. This can be seen as quite scary and awful, because of all of the "what ifs." The worst things in the world can happen to us in the future, and "the future" can be as far away as 30 seconds. In the present economic crisis, people are nervous about losing their jobs and their homes. However, besides being scared of the future, there are two other options here. If your present reality isn't ideal, it can be quite freeing to know that the future is uncertain. Because the future can be entirely different from your current situation; you may receive a sudden email about a dream job, apply for it, and get it; or run into your dream man/woman the next time you go out for coffee. So why don't we think this way instead? Why do we assume that the worst is always lurking around the corner? Why can't the best be waiting for us instead? Isn't it just as easy to be hopeful or excited about the future as it is to be fearful of it? And doesn't it serve us better?

I'm not saying we need to be irresponsible and not save for rainy days. And I am aware that for a lot of people, things look quite bleak at the moment. So if it is difficult for you to feel hopeful about the future, there is another option here as well: try living in the present moment.

For those of us living in the fast-paced society of the U.S., this seems nearly impossible. In our world of multi-tasking, 12-hour work days, and fast food, we are literally propelled to begin thinking of the next task before the current one is even completed. Our present is spent contemplating our futures, and in the breaks in between tasks we ruminate about our pasts, about what went wrong and what we should have done differently. So often I hear people say, "Oh I miss being young, how easy things were then," or "My glory days were in college, and now it's all just downhill." One of my favorite authors is Wayne Dyer, and he comments on this phenomenon quite well. If we complete something over and over again, don't we eventually get better at it? And so, as we continue in life, shouldn't we get better and better at it? Shouldn't each year be better than the last?

If we really look back at our "glory days," I think most of us would realize that the picture we've painted in our minds isn't necessarily the truth. When we were younger, we weren't always reveling in our youth. I see that quite clearly when my little cousins visit; they can't wait to be "big kids." And they love displaying their age in their fingers and announcing exactly how far away they are from their next birthday, i.e. "I'm four and three-quarters, I'll be five soon!"

There was a story in Chicken Soup for the Soul (yes corny, but sooo good!) that went something like this:

When I was a child, I couldn't wait to grow up so that I could go to high school.
Once I got to high school, I couldn't wait to be sixteen so I could drive.
Once I was sixteen, I couldn't wait to be eighteen so I could graduate and go to college.
Once I got to college, I couldn't wait to graduate and start my career and create my own life.
Once I was working at my first job, I couldn't wait to get married.
Once I got married, I couldn't wait to have babies.
Once I had babies, I couldn't wait for them to grow up.
Once they grew up and left the house, I couldn't wait to retire.
And now I'm dying...and I wish I would have really lived.

It's lovely to reminisce, but when we begin missing our pasts so much that we are losing our present, and we spend so much of our present obssessing over our futures (as in the excerpt above), then what we really end up doing is missing out on our lives. It's happening, our lives are happening, right now, all the time, and we're missing it.

It's funny too, because when I read the excerpt above I think about how many people would have loved the life the author had. She was able to go to college - right now, many kids are having to put off college because money is too tight in the family, or others will never be able to go. She had a job right out of college - most graduates today are struggling to find jobs. She got married and had children, and she retired...it may seem ordinary to a lot of people, but I have girlfriends who are literally DYING to get married and have children, and so far it's been a no-go. And retirement is a distant dream to a lot of older people who lost their savings in the financial downturn.

Here's a thought. How about we stay in the present moment and revel in all that we do have. Let's stop dwelling on what could have been. Let's stop delaying our happiness with statements like, "I'll be happy when (fill in the blank) happens." Because let me tell you, once you get what you want, you will be happy for a little while, but then you will move on to wanting something new. It's a very conditional happiness, a very conditional life to lead.

About 2 months after my last posting at age 24, I began experiencing extreme pain in my left foot due to an incorrect casting of a sprained ankle. I've had chronic pain in both feet ever since (the right one began due to compensation). My life has become extremely restricted, and I have to take cabs literally EVERYWHERE - even a block is too far to walk. There have been times when I have been reduced to crawling around on the floor, or using a wheelchair, or a cane. I have better days, and I have worse days. But what keeps me going, what keeps me in check, is not dwelling on what I have lost. Because I truly believe with all of my heart that I have gained far more from this experience than I could have ever lost. I used to replay the accident over and over again in my mind, analyzing what I could have done differently, driving myself crazy over ever detail. I became sad and depressed, and I felt utterly lost.

But over time, I learned to be grateful for everything I do have, which is quite a lot. I have supportive family and friends, a wonderful mother, and an understanding workplace. I live in downtown Chicago, I have a fantastic boyfriend who has stuck by me and held my hand through everything. And I had those things before, when I was 24, but I took them for granted and never appreciated them. Far and above, the most important thing I have gained is perspective, compassion, and empathy. I've become a far more compassionate and forgiving person; chronic pain is quite humbling, and your judgements become much less important. I've become a much better friend, I truly empathize with others who are suffering, and my heart has grown tremendously. I love others like I never have before, and I see hope in places where most others only see gloom. Because I know how much good can come from pain; I've experienced it first hand.

I do get sad sometimes, and I definitely break down at times over the things I can't do. I'm still a work in progress. Overall, I know this experience happened to grow me in ways that were not possible before. And for that, I am immensely thankful.

I still see so much beauty in my future. I see myself walking and healthy again, dancing again, traveling the world again. Sure, I could imagine the worst. But I choose not to. And I keep looking for new things to try, to get me better, new treatments, new doctors, and alternative therapies. Then there are days when the pain is almost completely gone; if it can go away for a day, I am sure it can go away forever. In my heart, I know I will get there eventually.

The biggest thing I want is for my experiences and lessons to have not been in vain. I want to pass this on to as many people as I can...starting with this blog.

Yes, I wish I could go back in time and shake my younger self. She had a completely healthy body and she took it for granted. She had so many wonderful things, and she was only focused on what she didn't have, and how great things used to be.

There's also a secret here. There are many tunnels, and many lights. But at any time, you can turn any of your tunnels into light. It's your choice to feel how you want to feel, to focus on what you want to focus on. So my hope is that this little posting gave you some inspiration to begin spending more of your lives in the lights, and less in the tunnels.