My Fear: Life after 24

You know when people asked you throughout your life questions you could blow off by stating
your age? For instance, "What college do you want to go to" could be flung aside with, "I don't know, I'm only 10." This was an acceptable response and was usually met with, "Yea, you have plenty of time." Or, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" could be quieted with "I'm not sure, I'm only 14." My fear is the time when I can no longer answer questions this way. When I can no longer blame my youth for uncertainties surrounding my future.

I feel that 24 is the cutoff.

I realized this recently when someone asked me what kind of graduate studies I'd like to pursue and my immediate answer didn't seem quite as appropriate as it once did. "I haven't decided yet, I'm only 24." It bothered me after I said it; am I really too young to know? Shouldn't I know? Is something wrong with me that I don't know? When am I supposed to know? When has this gone too far? At what age?

This began my recent fear of 25 and my analysis that perhaps at 24 this is still an acceptable answer to the obnoxious questions. I do think 24 is pushing it, but I have to cling to what little time I have left (I have about four months left to go!).

Why 24, you ask? This was the answer I came to after a careful consideration of life in one's 20s. Please keep in mind that the following analysis is brought to you from the perspective of an Indian-American female whose parents and community have set guidelines for her entire life; career, timing, education, etc. (more details to come in a different posting):

At 24, you are just barely in your mid-20s. You've graduated from undergrad, you've been working for a couple of years, and you're basically still firmly entrenched in your 20s. 30 is still years away. However, at 25, you are officially in your mid-twenties--a frightening territory. If you round up, 25 is 30. And don't even get me started on my fear of 30.

In your twenties is when marriage (for us poor brown folk) becomes the topic of every family gathering, auntie/uncle dinner party, etc. You have random aunties you haven't spoken to in years calling you to inform you of the "nice Guju-Patel doctor who graduated from Northwestern and has a 5 bedroom condo in the Gold Coast. He is looking for a nice girl to settle down with. Please call, Beta! This one will get away!" However, I have used the "I'm only 24" excuse to dissuade the interest, and though it is not as strong as "I'm only 22" or "I'm only 23," I think it (barely) still works. The difference is, when I was only 22 and 23, the other person's reaction was much more resigned. At 24, I'm getting a new reaction; "Beta, yes you are 24, but you should be 'looking' now, you know, so you could be married by 26. You know those poor single ladkis in the late 20s--they may always be alone!" Hence my fear of 25. If the Indian-American society expects me to be married at 26, imagine the damn pressure there will be at 25. And furthermore, it is expected that your life and career is to be settled before marriage--I should already have gone to grad school and found the perfect job instead of flopping around trying to figure out what the hell's going on. So I have about 5 years of living to accomplish in this 4 month time span before 25. And it sure doesn't help that I'm female; we don't have the luxury of being eligible bachelors at 32 the way a male would be. After all, he would just be "successful" whereas I'd just be an old spinster maid (again, as a Desi female).

You know what's also upsetting, how I let these societal pressures get to me, as they have all my life. It sometimes feels like I'm in a tunnel, muddling my way through, waiting to find the light at the end where I'm supposed to be whole and happy with where I stand in life. But other times it feels like walking down the street in a beautiful city at night; there are so many possibilities of where to go, I just don't know how to choose...and I'm nervous about taking a wrong turn. I wanted to a be a lawyer pursuing political change; that idea was shot down by my parents who threatened to cut me off and flipped out until I ended up triple majoring to make them and myself happy; Political Science was acceptable if I also did Economics and Accounting.

And then, for reasons still unbeknownst to me, I actually went ahead to get a Master's degree in accounting and went on to work at an accounting firm in Chicago - not that it's been awful, but just different from what I'd originally intended. I followed the rules to get on the acceptable path of what a Desi child should be doing with her life; went to a good school, got a *good* job, where *good* is defined as well-paying, not necessarily satisfying or rewarding. And I thought after all that, maybe my parents and society would back off for a few years. I did everything they wanted me to, even if it meant biting my lip. And now I want to go and do what I actually wanted to do all along--pursue politics--and I'm so scared of walking off the path I've so carefully followed, and which I allowed to rule my little world. I'm so scared of what they'll think, how their opinions of me will change, how any career outside of medicine, engineering, and business just makes you someone who couldn't cut it, someone not *smart* enough to hack it.

But doesn't it take so much more courage to leave this path, to pursue a different route and maybe even find a pot of gold at the end of it? So shouldn't it be admired? When I meet other desi women who have pursued very non-traditional fields such as writing and music, I am in such awe and I have so much respect for them. So what am I waiting for?

Maybe I'm just waiting for 25.